December 26, 2010
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Appendicitis: Don't Bust a Move
Ok, so while I'm working on finding a way to link photos from my blog, a process that used to be seamless, I thought I'd post this one for my good friend dirtbubble, as he recently and very nearly suffered a ruptured Aaron Plaat. I believe the Aaron Plaat is an organ rather like the appendix, insofar as it is a vestigial organ, though it may differ in other ways.
In any event, won't you take my hand and journey back with me? Back.....to a time when I actually posted....
I once had appendicitis. By the way, once is quite enough. I was alone in Seattle, just starting grad school. Took the University Hospital FOUR DAYS to diagnose it, during which time I returned dutifully every twelve hours, each time more bent over in pain than the last. And each time they'd friggin' give me a new x-ray and the x-ray tech would say "You again? Dude that's appendicitis," and I'd say TELL THE DOCTORS. But each time the DOCTORS gave me another can of 30 weight motor oil to drink and told me to come back again in twelve hours. The last time I went in it was "intern day" so they had all the (unusually sexy) female interns do a rectal exam on me because for some reason you're supposed to do this when you're checking for appendicitis, and damn I'm serious THEY WERE LINED UP AROUND THE CORNER just waitin' to stick their fingers up my ass. They'd shove a finger up there, move it around a little and ask me "does it hurt now?" and I'd go "HELL YES" and they'd go, "yes?...how about now?" and I'd go "PLEASE KILL ME" and they'd go, "There too, huh?" Man, every single one of those sixteen interns coulda stuffed her pretty index finger up her own ass and I'd still have been screaming YES.
I was in so much pain I didn't give a shit. Actually, I couldn't give a shit because my bowels had been shut down for four days by then and I was so dehydrated I was pissing brown, BUT ANYWAY they finally decided it was appendicitis and operated and YES IT HAD BURST by this time, so I had to stay for two additional weeks in the same hospital that screwed my diagnosis to begin with. They left an OPEN INCISION in my belly to facilitate "draining" and about every fourth day this illegal mexican immigrant came by with a dirty, hairy mop and a pail filled with thick gray hospital chum and some sort of seriously overburdened antiseptic. I always hoped he'd open a window and throw it out but instead he'd swab my room with it. Man, the dude couldn't speak a lick of english, he couldn't even understand "NO GOD PLEASE DON'T MOP MY ROOM". And I'm telling you it took that bubbly antiseptic slime hours to dry, and meanwhile I'm just lyin' there helpless, watching it "film up", with visions of what it might look like under even a cheap microscope and then when I needed to go to the bathroom I had to get up and drag my IV pole, which was for some reason PLUGGED INTO MY NECK instead of my arm, over to the bathroom and I swear my feet stuck to that sickly-sweet crap like i was walking across SUPERBUG VELCRO just to take a piss...
anyway, I survived.
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(Originally posted September 12, 2006)
Comments (39)
bahaha i love how this is an anti-greeley story.
so that's Aaron Plaat, I thought it was a Christian blogger
i for one am glad to see you writing again...okay reposting. but ewww on the velcro floor sticky upsetting gray slosh in the pail appendicitis they couldn't call thing. i think i'm going to be sick. god please don't ever let me be in a room like that with no way out.
@be_the_rain - it wasn't pretty. but it makes for a good story. that's a thing about life, no?
,#
@complicatedlight - well i suppose you're exactly right. ,#
Is any of this true? o_O If you really had a burst appendix after all those exams, the hospital is lucky you didn't sue it out of existence.
This was the scariest story I have ever read. Worse than zombies. As if hospitals and germs weren't bad enough on their own, but combined!? "Please God, keep us all healthy." Glad you survived it.
@SoapAndShampoo - it's true, all right. and that was in '89. by most accounts the whole system has only gotten more top heavy since then. well, unless you're at mayo, one of the things minnesota got right.
@POETIC_ISIS - i'm glad too. oh, and i didn't even mention the time they "IV pushed" a big slug of cephalasporin antibiotic into my neck and i had an allergic reaction and broke out in instant hives everywhere and no one came no matter how many times i pressed the call button and after about 30 minutes of that i got out of bed again, draining open incision and all, and bare-assed, dragged my IV pole to the nursing station and stood there until the nurse peered up from her novel and then i calmly said "you know, if i go into anaphylactic shock, i'm going to sue you."
nurse took one look at me and said something like "oh my god" and rushed me back to my bed and called a doc who promptly jammed my IV full of benadryl which fortunately quelled the thing. but i gotta be careful around cephalasporins now.
anyway. as i said, i survived.
and I was just about to eat breakfast... no really...
Ok I lie. I was about to have more coffee...
Fun read. Sounds like a "hospital" near where I grew up.
@oceanstarr - "hospital"...i know, right? but it was the university hospital at one of the top med schools in the country.
That sign is hilarious! lol
Thanks much for the nice dedication! The good thing about having your Aaron Plaat removed is you never have to worry about it again. I love this post so much I could marry it. I'm even going to read it again! The part about the rectal exams was especially moving. I laughed, I cried. And I was reminded of my own account of rectal probing.
Ahhhhahaha nothing makes me smile more than hearing about people in pain. Even people I like.
@anaraug - go ahead and say it: ESPECIALLY people you like.
@complicatedlight - Guilty as charged.
I don't even know what to say to that. So I won't.
I told you I'd read it again. Bonus chuckles!
Normally I don't laugh at other people's suffering, but I just couldn't help but chuckle at this...
@Aloysius_son - good.
YAY VIKS GO BABIES!!!!
how bout that joe webb?! did you watch the game? really good one, hope you saw it. <3
Uh...
"Peppermint Patties" doesn't denote some sort of double entendre that I'm not aware of, does it?
@be_the_rain - unfortunately i missed it. grr.
@mute_warrior - heavens noooo. you're just very humorous at times.
@complicatedlight - well you must have been not near a tv then. cause everyone watches tuesday night football, phil.
@be_the_rain - well then i reckon i must notta been, lea.
@complicatedlight - hmph. i thought we'd always have football, phil. you know? but i guess not. so who even cares if the dumb vikings win a game, huh? *who*, phil?
@be_the_rain - aw, lea! but you KNOWS i loves ya. i
just...missed one little game, lea. ok so it turned out to be a bigish
game, but...can you forgive me? can you ever find in your fiery heart a
place to forgive me?
...lea?
~~sigh
@be_the_rain - that tough, huh?
@complicatedlight - well yes baby yes it is. i'm typign with my ring finger ripped open on the side down near the nail but on the side, sir andre doesn't feel well and i was trying to brush him with a very soft hartz brush, verysoft bristles, trying to make him comfortable, and he just ripped the side orf my finger sliced it right open, it took almost 30 minutes to stop bleeding and get a bandaid on it. this is not going well, i feel andre has very limited time left, labored breathing and not much eating or drinking. so, yes it's pretty bad. i need for good things to start happening, maybe next year or something. (now to choose a picture for this ridiculousness of a comment)
@be_the_rain - good things are gonna happen, lea. they are. believe it.
Once is quite enough, HA! Well-put.
Why a message and not to comment my post ? Happy New year.
@fauquet - that's completely beside the point. happy new year to you too.
As my daughter used to say, "Dats bisgustin!"
@throughthinking - and she knows her charcoal; i shan't doubt her.
ouch. i had a buddy pass kidney stones one time..that didn't look like much fun either.
hopefully i won't have to experience this kind of fun first hand.
-knocks on wood-
hi, phil. happy new year.
eeeww...I don't know why but I'm laughing. Perhaps tis that I may not weep.