August 21, 2006

• The Horsefly Express

  actual size (on most browsers):

  nyone can tell you there’s two floridas. well anyone who lives there can tell you that and greeley can sure tell you too cause he growed up there and one of the floridas is the plastic one and the other one is the real one. greeley growed up in the real one where they don’t spray for bugs and every spring the yellowflies circle your head like electrons around a uranium atom and also they got horseflies too which are lots bigger than yellowflies and weigh about two pounds and sound like an old world-war two B-29 bomber and sting like a sonofabitch and when you swat em you gotta call the EPA “hazmat team” to clean up the mess so finally one day greeley got sick and tired of swattin’ the damn things and callin’ the EPA and figured maybe he could save himself and the taxpayer a great expense if he could find a way to stop swattin’ and start havin’ more fun with the horseflies.

  so greeley, he took a little tiny piece of paper and wrote “THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC TEST IF FOUND PLEASE CALL 962-3794″ on it – in really tiny letters – and he didn’t worry about the area code cause hell, it probably wasn’t goin’ that far, and then greeley balled up the paper and tied it to a length of sewing thread and then tied the other end around the waist of a particularly big horsefly and let it go and man…by the time he let that horsefly go it wasn’t interested in bitin’ greeley no more that’s for sure and it took off haulin’ ass with that string and note danglin’ underneath it like a payload under a chinook helicopter only smaller and it dangled a lot faster. the last greeley saw of that horsefly it just cleared a stand of pines at the edge of the pasture and disappeared into the evening sky but no one ever called that phone number.

   

  • 11:18 am
  • 32 Comments